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5ksandcabernets: Is it something I said?


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Is it something I said?

I went to Austin last weekend to see Noah.
Nancy had wanted me to come a weekend later, Jan 31 to Feb. 2, to "celebrate" his 18-month birthday, but I went last weekend instead. Didn't wanna wait three weeks to see him and, this weekend is the Super Bowl and I've got a half marathon. (I didn't tell her my Super Bowl/half marathon plans. But hey, we are not seeing each other - I really don't owe her an explanation of why I come when I come, right? I mean, of course I wouldn't miss his real birthday, like his 2-year-old birthday.)
Anyway while I'm there, late Saturday Noah is sleeping and Nancy says something to me about cleaning up the humidifier; boil water, pour in some vinegar. I groused about having to do chores late Saturday, but I cleaned up the humidifier.
Later Saturday, Nancy says it hurt her feelings that I would complain about having to do chores, since she does them all the time when it comes to Noah. I say sorry, and then I say that she still got what she wanted: I cleaned up the humidifier. We didn't argue. We didn't raise our voices. I thought it was over.
Then came Tuesday morning. She calls me when I'm getting ready for work. Here is the conversation:
Nancy: I'm not trying to start a fight, but I'm still ticked that you complained about having to do chores.
Me: Well, I'm not going to re-argue the point. But I just spoke my mind at the time. I was tired, but I did what you asked me to. You got what you wanted.
N: And another thing.
Me: What?
N: What is the real reason you came down last weekend instead of coming down this weekend?
Me: Why does it matter? We already had this discussion.
M: You just wanted to make sure you could be around your friends to watch the Super Bowl, right? That's the real reason you came last weekend instead of this weekend.
Me: Well, even if it was the reason, so what? I make sure I come down there every other weekend and it wasn't like the 31st (of January) was his real birthday.
N: You'd rather spend time with your friends than with Noah.
Me: OK, that's it. I'm not arguing with you. Good-bye.
Dial tone.
Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's one thing to get yelled at for something you didn't do, but its a whole 'nother thing to get yelled at even when you think you are doing the right thing.
Single mothers (and non-single mothers) is it something I said????????????


Blogger Reese said...

I'm not a mother, single or otherwise. But I have been married for 29 years. If you want peace, you can't say what you're thinking. I know this one more or less slipped out. We don't care how we get what we want as long as we get it, but they do. Women are more moody than we are and logic and relationships don't go together. I know (I assume) you're not dating, but you will have a relationship as long as Noah is around.

January 27, 2009 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger Burger said...

oh dude...I'll refrain from saying what I really think (I knoe my gf reads your blog too) so I'll just leave you with this: good luck.

January 27, 2009 at 3:06 PM  
Blogger fraizerbaz said...

??? Beats me why she is upset. It's HER responsibility to communicate her feelings to you, but apparently she is choosing not to, for whatever reason. My sister does the same darn thing to me. (Most often you either have to play guessing games, or just wait it out until she decides she's over it.)

January 27, 2009 at 3:44 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Without knowing anything about your life and relationship with her, it seems to me to be about the subtext. It's not about the Super Bowl or wanting to see Noah one weekend as opposed to another. It's more about you and her. It's about why you aren't together now. She's picking a fight to illustrate a point. You make what you want more important than what she wants. Whether that's logical or true doesn't matter. It's all about her and what she wants. How you reconcile that is the difficult dance. I feel you dude.

January 27, 2009 at 8:30 PM  
Blogger Run For Life said...

I say it's probably mainly PMS because it seems pretty irrational (and although us women don't like to admit we get this way, it is universal truth.) I'm not a mother so I could be wrong. I would just apologize if she brings it up again because you probably won't hear the end of it otherwise.

January 28, 2009 at 12:56 AM  
Blogger lindsay said...

haha to billy's comment. wise man. :)

i'm no mother, but i am a female. it's lame, but sometimes we can get irritated over one thing and mull over it. women dwell on something and then bring it up in conversation to the man who has not been thinking about it since it probably wasn't an issue in his opinion. again, i'm openly admitting it's lame.

maybe she was already a little annoyed about something, and your complaining didn't help. yes you did the chore, but i think she was stuck on the fact that you had complained about it when you don't have to do them all the time? could have come across insensitive/as though you don't appreciate all the things she does for him. i'd say she only brought up the super bowl/friends thing because she's mad/upset. that part was out of line. i'm not sure what the significance is over an 18-month "birthday", just sounds like she's taking it all too personally.

even though you didn't really do anything "wrong", you could apologize for upsetting her?

January 28, 2009 at 5:40 AM  
Anonymous Sonja Cassella said...

I don't know where you are legally with the arrangements for providing for your son, but it seems part of the problem is it isn't clear to you and his mom what your responsibilities are. You might start by considering what a typical dad in your situation does and then discuss what you're personally willing to commit to with his mom. How many weekends, when, money, chores, etc.

That said, her twitchiness about the super bowl smacks of jealousy. Does she want to get you back? Notice she didn't lose it until after you left, when, possibly, she didn't get the outcome she was looking for?

January 28, 2009 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Well, thanks for all the advice. Here's what I did: Said I was sorry. And magically, magically, the tension disappeared. I guess that wasn't so hard.

January 29, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Anonymous Single Mom Seeking said...

From a single mom here! Good for you for saying "sorry." That goes a long way!

I'm curious: have you two gone to any counseling together?

(And I'm curious: you stay with her when you visit? Intense!!)

As another reader pointed out, you will be in a relationship for the rest of Noah's life. It might not be romantic... but you still need to communicate.

It seems like if you had just a couple of sessions to get down some basic, it would do wonders?...

January 29, 2009 at 6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think what Mike said in his comment earlier about it being the subtext.

Not that I am proud of my irrational thought processes (sometimes...irrational...mind you!) I have had those same arguments with my ex-husband. And it boiled down to the fact that it seemed to me he was doing (as I felt he always seemed to do) what he wanted more than what I thought I wanted and/or the family wanted. So...litte disagreements sometimes hung out there longer b/c I was still simmering over the bigger issues....

Does that makes sense? I am not saying it's happens....

January 30, 2009 at 11:17 AM  

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